Maximizing Profits is Easy

I’m thinking of creating a new Lukas family revenue stream by renting out my kids.

Not for anything creepy (ew) just brutal manual labor.  I’ve got an eight-year-old girl with long, strong limbs who’d be great at farming or picking up trash and a five-year-old boy who can probably run repetitive machinery.  If I can get at least ten-bucks-an-hour each for their labor, I’ll pay them fifty-cents-a-day but overcharge them for yogurts and clean sheets and phone calls.  It’s brilliant.  When they’re eighteen, I’ll extend their home stay for three years since it’d be a shame to lose that money flow.

Maximizing profits is easy.

Making that kind of cash off my kids would be simple if a) it was legal and b) I was heartless.  Thankfully it’s not legal because there are days of child-induced chaos where for a price I might just be willing to ship them out.

If only they were state prisoners.

If I had four or five convicted criminals at my disposal, I could let them crash on garage cots at night but rent them out all day.  It’d be the same deal as with the kids, only I wouldn’t have to feel as guilty about what I’m doing to them.  After all, it’s their own fault for screwing up and breaking the law.  Hopefully I get the ‘good’ ones who only have less than four years to go on their sentence because they’ll be less likely to run.

Can’t make money if my product escapes.

Now I finally get why slavery was so awesome.  It would be like having the same prisoners at my disposal, but they’d be serving a lifelong sentence.  Brilliant.  Too bad those bleeding-heart Yankees put an end to THAT gravy train.

At least there are state prisoners.

Next best thing to slaves, if you ask me.  Or GEO and Corrections Corporation of America.  They’re the two largest for-profit prison companies in the United States.  They rake in a combined total of $3.3 billion in annual revenue from renting out these inmates.  It doesn’t get much easier than that.  Feed ‘em powdered eggs and stale bread and then ship ‘em off to the fields and factories to help maximize the profits.


Sure, you’ve gotta grease a few palms.  For-profit companies run more than 150 jails, prisons, and detention centers in the U.S., they oversee about 8 percent of the total prison population, so of course some lawmakers and governors and sheriffs would have to be handsomely rewarded for their litigious cooperation.

That’s just the price of running slaves, I mean prisoners.

Of course, the worst thing that could happen to this business model is for the idiots in charge to change the drug laws to reflect reality.  Talk about cutting off our product flow – a lot of these slaves, I mean prisoners, wouldn’t even be there making money for the prison shareholders if, say, pot were legal or drug possession wasn’t such a punishable offense.  That’s why the federal War on Weed must continue.

And here’s the best part.

The private prison contracts often require the government to keep the correctional facilities and immigration detention centers full.  This forces communities to continuously funnel people into the prison system, even if actual crime rates are falling.  Nearly two-thirds of private prison contracts mandate that state and local governments maintain a certain occupancy rate – usually 90 percent – or require taxpayers to pay for empty beds. (Link to Article)


Sometimes when capitalists like Milton Hershey or Bill Gates start to show weakness, I mean compassion towards their slaves, er,  workers, it scares me.  If we start to consider such frivolities as quality of life and fair pay with decent benefits, I’m afraid these human beings might also want more education or time for their hobbies, and that just can’t happen when there’s money to be made.

They have to know their place.

Slaves, I mean prisoners, are beginning to realize what’s being done to them, and they’re starting to fight back.  (Link to Article) Thankfully, most for-profit prisons are found in the South, and have actually been founded on old slave-holding plantation grounds.  This gives the slaves, I mean prisoners, a chance to remember that things could be a lot worse – their sentence could be permanent.

Maximizing profits is easy.

  • Mike Lukas


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